destiny.

learning when you've learned all you were meant to take away from a situation is a piece of wisdom the universe imparts on us. it could be a week or a month or nearly a year, but you'll wake up one morning and realize that the place that you are is no longer the place you are supposed to be. it's time to move on. and it could be down the street or across town; to another state or a different country. whatever lesson the universe has next for you... it's time to take that step. it's time to make that move. when it's time, you will know. but only if you're paying attention. only if you have attuned yourself to the journey. otherwise you could miss it. and then you become too comfortable to learn... life begins to feel stale, to taste sour. and what a shame to resent the life you are living because you were too busy thinking about what you thought you had to do, what you thought you were supposed to do, rather than flipping the coin and going with your gut, no matter where it lands.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”

death of me.

i can buy you time while you try and pretend that your problems don't exist. i'm the perfect shiny new play thing to keep you entertained just long enough to forget about what's really on your mind. i can smile and make you laugh and for a moment you may even believe that it was me you have been looking for all along.

but she'll send you a text, you know. something real generic at first. "can you pick up the dog?" you know. your child. and you can pretend that you're not fooled into thinking it's really all about the dog, or whatever. but now you're thinking about her. again. i can see the panic you try to push back behind your eyes. the impending implosion of all things beautiful for all your shit that's so painfully real. it's ugly and it's foul but it's all you've ever known and my kind words, my understanding... the smell of my shampoo, my tattoos... are all so foreign. so uncertain. i am but a mystery, always, never getting close enough; never staying far enough away. and so you go back, fall back into what's easiest for you; what you've known for so long to be the only thing to ever be true and constant in your life. because your afraid.

and trust me, i understand fear. but you are weak and i am tired. it is exhausting to live with the notion...the theory, as it has yet to be proven wrong, that all you will ever be is a distraction. a resting place. something you "needed". and thank you. what if the only purpose of your life is to be - ONLY - for the purpose of others. i will grow old, and alone, and all those who have known me will speak kindly about my genuine sympathy for others. how much i could care and how hard i could love.

just once, i would like to be loved. violently.

decadent lifestyle

no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. if we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power.

pj orourke

if the words life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the declaration of independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.

terence mackenna

different times.

there it was right in front of me. the reason i didn't make an effort whatsoever to make friends when i moved. i purposefully, without even knowing it, subconsciously, left all of the bullshit and horrible people behind me to set out on a new quest. and i wouldn't let anyone in. i vowed to myself to stay away from anyone or anything that would hurt me. that would make me feel....anything. all i wanted was a simple life where i could work and dance and laugh sometimes and hang out with some people. sometimes. when i was feeling really ready. but the truth is that i'm not antisocial. just smarter. with experience i've learned how shitty people can be. how no one can be trusted because everyone is looking out for themselves. ONLY looking out for themselves and their best interests. and hell, i had done my share of fucking people over too. but once it happened to me... i knew how it felt. the nauseating, stomach crushing feeling of being disappointed. and so i kept to myself and let so few people in i was practically a hermit. but i had a feeling. an inkling. i'll just give it a try. just see what happens. that's what one of the few friends i still had left had told me, one of the few people i still trusted in my life had told me. just see what happens. and so i had. and i thought, shit... maybe things really could be different. but let me tell you something. they can't.

people are going to hurt each other. mercilessly. with no reason for any of it. i refuse to believe that i'm the only person left on earth who shows any compassion for others. i refuse. so i tried to give one person the benefit of the doubt. jesus... in 8 months the first person i decided could possibly not fuck up my world. again. but deep down i knew. I KNEW. but i put the voices out of my head cautioning to be careful. not to do it. that they'll hurt you too just like almost every other person in your life had ever done. but i refuse to believe that there won't be one other person out there who isn't going treat me like a rental car like other guys (gavin degraw reference there. look that shit up.) fuck you for not being that person but even though i'm disappointed in people still. i'm still wrong. i have to hope that i can't be wrong forever because god... if that isn't just the most depressing thought in the world. that no one will ever not hurt you. disappoint you. there's nothing left to live for. no hope. and without hope there's nothing. so that fucking hope is all i've got.

i know a lady wouldn't say suck my dick. but i've never been much of a lady. i've never been so good at following everyone else's rules. it's like playing football on a basketball court, when everyone else knows the rules except for you. like they forgot to tell you which game they were playing, so they just went on around you, letting you think you knew until you went in for a layup and got tackled by the entire defensive line. and fuck...how do you put up a fight when you don't even know what's coming?

winter months

and when i looked at her just then, it was the most vulnerable i had ever seen her. her big shiny eyes, usually filled with a sparkle. a spark. a something. they were just sad. like a puppy. and she had lost so much weight in the last 3 1/2 days that they protruded like a little lost puppy. like her big puffy lips. and when she inhaled a puff of her marlboro smooth, i could see her ribs stick out the back of her baggy tank top. had she gotten more sun, maybe they wouldn't have been more noticeable. but it had only just begun to get warm after the long winter months, and her frail thin body looked more like a corpse than a supermodel or a ballet dancer or whatever she claimed to be that day. whatever the boys compared her to when they sat around their bowls and video games at night, talking about how hot she was. how mysterious. how they couldn't understand why no one had "gone for it" yet. because they were all too intimated. and then, later, like now, how bad they felt that she had gotten so fucked up. so played. she deserved better than that. they all knew it, even if they barely knew her. she was too cool. too good. so certainly, something must be wrong with her. but no one had figured it out yet. not quite yet.

happiness today

where have you put your hope for happiness today?

in someone who swore they'd always be there for you, but didn't show up this morning?

in a job that can't quite pay the bills?

in the man you believed was the One?

in the human race?

is that why you are so sad and disappointed?

how to be alone

if you are, at first, lonely

be patient

if you've not been alone much

or, if when you were

you weren't okay with it

then just wait.

you'll find it's fine to be alone

once you're embracing it.

we can start with the acceptable places:

the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library

where you can stall and read the paper

where you can get your caffeine fix

and sit, and stay there

where you can browse the stacks and smell the books

you're not supposed to talk much anyway

so it's safe there

there's also the gym

if you're shy

you can hang out with yourself in mirrors

you can put headphones in

and there's public transportation

because we all gotta go places

and there's prayer and meditation

no one will think less

if you're hanging with your breath

seeking peace and salvation

start simple

things you may have previously avoided

based on your 'Avoid Being Alone' principles

the lunch counter

where you will be surrounded by chow-downers

employees that only have an hour

and their spouses work across town

and so they, like you, will be alone

resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone

when you are comfortable with "Eat lunch, and run"

take yourself out for dinner

a restaurant with linen and silverware

you're no less intriguing a person

when you're eating solo desserts

and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger

in fact, some people at full tables

will wish they were where you are

go to the movies

where it is dark and soothing

alone in your seat

amidst a fleeting community

and then, take yourself out dancing

to a club where no one knows you

stand on the outside of the floor

until the lights convince you more and more

and the music shows you

dance like no one's watching

because they're probably not

and, if they are

assume it is with best of human intentions

the way bodies move

genuinely to beats

is, after all, gorgeous and effecting

dance until you're sweating

and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best dance

down your back like a book of blessings

go to the woods alone

and the trees and squirrels will watch for you

go to an unfamiliar city

rome the streets

there are always statues to talk to

and benches made for sitting

give strangers a shared existence

if only for a minute

and these moments can be so uplifting

and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches

might have never happened

had you not been there by yourself

society is afraid of alone, though

like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements

like people must have problems if,

after a while, nobody is dating them

but lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless

and lonely is healing if you make it

you could stand, swathed by groups and mobs

or hold hands with your partner

look both further and farther from the endless quest for company

but no one's in your head

and by the time you translate your thoughts

some essence of them may be lost

or perhaps it is just kept

perhaps in the interest of loving ones self

perhaps all those sappy slogans

from preschool over

to high school's groaning

were tokens for holding the lonely at bay

'cause if you're happy in your head

then solitude is blessed and alone is ok

it's ok if no one believes like you

all experience is unique

no one has the same synapses

can't think like you

for this we are relieved

keeps things interesting

life's magic feels in reach

and it doesn't mean you aren't connected

the community's not present

just take the perspective you get from being one person, and one head

and beauty effects it

take silence and respect it

if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it

if your family doesn't get you

or a religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it

you could be, in an instant, surrounded

if you needed

if your heart is bleeding, make the best of it

there is heat in freezing, be a testament

-tanya davis