Wednesday, March 23, 2011

decadent lifestyle

no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. if we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power.
pj orourke

if the words life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the declaration of independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.
terence mackenna

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

different times.

there it was right in front of me. the reason i didn't make an effort whatsoever to make friends when i moved. i purposefully, without even knowing it, subconsciously, left all of the bullshit and horrible people behind me to set out on a new quest. and i wouldn't let anyone in. i vowed to myself to stay away from anyone or anything that would hurt me. that would make me feel....anything. all i wanted was a simple life where i could work and dance and laugh sometimes and hang out with some people. sometimes. when i was feeling really ready. but the truth is that i'm not antisocial. just smarter. with experience i've learned how shitty people can be. how no one can be trusted because everyone is looking out for themselves. ONLY looking out for themselves and their best interests. and hell, i had done my share of fucking people over too. but once it happened to me... i knew how it felt. the nauseating, stomach crushing feeling of being disappointed. and so i kept to myself and let so few people in i was practically a hermit. but i had a feeling. an inkling. i'll just give it a try. just see what happens. that's what one of the few friends i still had left had told me, one of the few people i still trusted in my life had told me. just see what happens. and so i had. and i thought, shit... maybe things really could be different. but let me tell you something. they can't.

people are going to hurt each other. mercilessly. with no reason for any of it. i refuse to believe that i'm the only person left on earth who shows any compassion for others. i refuse. so i tried to give one person the benefit of the doubt. jesus... in 8 months the first person i decided could possibly not fuck up my world. again. but deep down i knew. I KNEW. but i put the voices out of my head cautioning to be careful. not to do it. that they'll hurt you too just like almost every other person in your life had ever done. but i refuse to believe that there won't be one other person out there who isn't going treat me like a rental car like other guys (gavin degraw reference there. look that shit up.) fuck you for not being that person but even though i'm disappointed in people still. i'm still wrong. i have to hope that i can't be wrong forever because god... if that isn't just the most depressing thought in the world. that no one will ever not hurt you. disappoint you. there's nothing left to live for. no hope. and without hope there's nothing. so that fucking hope is all i've got.

i know a lady wouldn't say suck my dick. but i've never been much of a lady. i've never been so good at following everyone else's rules. it's like playing football on a basketball court, when everyone else knows the rules except for you. like they forgot to tell you which game they were playing, so they just went on around you, letting you think you knew until you went in for a layup and got tackled by the entire defensive line. and do you put up a fight when you don't even know what's coming?

winter months

and when i looked at her just then, it was the most vulnerable i had ever seen her. her big shiny eyes, usually filled with a sparkle. a spark. a something. they were just sad. like a puppy. and she had lost so much weight in the last 3 1/2 days that they protruded like a little lost puppy. like her big puffy lips. and when she inhaled a puff of her marlboro smooth, i could see her ribs stick out the back of her baggy tank top. had she gotten more sun, maybe they wouldn't have been more noticeable. but it had only just begun to get warm after the long winter months, and her frail thin body looked more like a corpse than a supermodel or a ballet dancer or whatever she claimed to be that day. whatever the boys compared her to when they sat around their bowls and video games at night, talking about how hot she was. how mysterious. how they couldn't understand why no one had "gone for it" yet. because they were all too intimated. and then, later, like now, how bad they felt that she had gotten so fucked up. so played. she deserved better than that. they all knew it, even if they barely knew her. she was too cool. too good. so certainly, something must be wrong with her. but no one had figured it out yet. not quite yet.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

happiness today

where have you put your hope for happiness today?

in someone who swore they'd always be there for you, but didn't show up this morning?

in a job that can't quite pay the bills?

in the man you believed was the One?

in the human race?

is that why you are so sad and disappointed?