Tuesday, March 22, 2011

different times.

there it was right in front of me. the reason i didn't make an effort whatsoever to make friends when i moved. i purposefully, without even knowing it, subconsciously, left all of the bullshit and horrible people behind me to set out on a new quest. and i wouldn't let anyone in. i vowed to myself to stay away from anyone or anything that would hurt me. that would make me feel....anything. all i wanted was a simple life where i could work and dance and laugh sometimes and hang out with some people. sometimes. when i was feeling really ready. but the truth is that i'm not antisocial. just smarter. with experience i've learned how shitty people can be. how no one can be trusted because everyone is looking out for themselves. ONLY looking out for themselves and their best interests. and hell, i had done my share of fucking people over too. but once it happened to me... i knew how it felt. the nauseating, stomach crushing feeling of being disappointed. and so i kept to myself and let so few people in i was practically a hermit. but i had a feeling. an inkling. i'll just give it a try. just see what happens. that's what one of the few friends i still had left had told me, one of the few people i still trusted in my life had told me. just see what happens. and so i had. and i thought, shit... maybe things really could be different. but let me tell you something. they can't.

people are going to hurt each other. mercilessly. with no reason for any of it. i refuse to believe that i'm the only person left on earth who shows any compassion for others. i refuse. so i tried to give one person the benefit of the doubt. jesus... in 8 months the first person i decided could possibly not fuck up my world. again. but deep down i knew. I KNEW. but i put the voices out of my head cautioning to be careful. not to do it. that they'll hurt you too just like almost every other person in your life had ever done. but i refuse to believe that there won't be one other person out there who isn't going treat me like a rental car like other guys (gavin degraw reference there. look that shit up.) fuck you for not being that person but even though i'm disappointed in people still. i'm still wrong. i have to hope that i can't be wrong forever because god... if that isn't just the most depressing thought in the world. that no one will ever not hurt you. disappoint you. there's nothing left to live for. no hope. and without hope there's nothing. so that fucking hope is all i've got.

i know a lady wouldn't say suck my dick. but i've never been much of a lady. i've never been so good at following everyone else's rules. it's like playing football on a basketball court, when everyone else knows the rules except for you. like they forgot to tell you which game they were playing, so they just went on around you, letting you think you knew until you went in for a layup and got tackled by the entire defensive line. and fuck...how do you put up a fight when you don't even know what's coming?

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