destiny.

learning when you've learned all you were meant to take away from a situation is a piece of wisdom the universe imparts on us. it could be a week or a month or nearly a year, but you'll wake up one morning and realize that the place that you are is no longer the place you are supposed to be. it's time to move on. and it could be down the street or across town; to another state or a different country. whatever lesson the universe has next for you... it's time to take that step. it's time to make that move. when it's time, you will know. but only if you're paying attention. only if you have attuned yourself to the journey. otherwise you could miss it. and then you become too comfortable to learn... life begins to feel stale, to taste sour. and what a shame to resent the life you are living because you were too busy thinking about what you thought you had to do, what you thought you were supposed to do, rather than flipping the coin and going with your gut, no matter where it lands.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”

death of me.

i can buy you time while you try and pretend that your problems don't exist. i'm the perfect shiny new play thing to keep you entertained just long enough to forget about what's really on your mind. i can smile and make you laugh and for a moment you may even believe that it was me you have been looking for all along.

but she'll send you a text, you know. something real generic at first. "can you pick up the dog?" you know. your child. and you can pretend that you're not fooled into thinking it's really all about the dog, or whatever. but now you're thinking about her. again. i can see the panic you try to push back behind your eyes. the impending implosion of all things beautiful for all your shit that's so painfully real. it's ugly and it's foul but it's all you've ever known and my kind words, my understanding... the smell of my shampoo, my tattoos... are all so foreign. so uncertain. i am but a mystery, always, never getting close enough; never staying far enough away. and so you go back, fall back into what's easiest for you; what you've known for so long to be the only thing to ever be true and constant in your life. because your afraid.

and trust me, i understand fear. but you are weak and i am tired. it is exhausting to live with the notion...the theory, as it has yet to be proven wrong, that all you will ever be is a distraction. a resting place. something you "needed". and thank you. what if the only purpose of your life is to be - ONLY - for the purpose of others. i will grow old, and alone, and all those who have known me will speak kindly about my genuine sympathy for others. how much i could care and how hard i could love.

just once, i would like to be loved. violently.