Monday, July 25, 2011


you have to put yourself out there. YOU HAVE TO! otherwise what reason do i have to believe that you ever ever will..........

i may have found out recently that one of my very good friends has more feelings about the feelings of our friendship situation than i have been willing to..........accept. i can't say i didn't know, although that's absolutely what i'm claiming to alllllll of my other friends trying to get themselves in the middle of this hot mess..... i wasn't willing to accept it because i think i feared impending danger. i still do. i always do.

the question is, is it worth it? is the fear of the unknown, of a lost relationship with a friend, and not just that friend but the entire social network that connects it worth the risk? sometimes, i suppose it absolutely is. i've heard those happily ever after stories. i know they exist. but this kind of relationship is already equipped with the added pressure of everyone else expecting magical things to come of a union that is.....or may seem to "meant to be."

so i denied it. and i said things to drive the point home that if this was in fact what i suspected it might be, it wasn't something i was aware of.......or interested in? but now i fear i've done the wrong thing. you don't realize what you have until it's gone.......or until somebody else gets it. like a fabulous dress for prom that you see in the store window, but decide to wait give it some time to think it over. next thing you know, some bitch from your 8th period english class has her boyfriend hauling that shit potato-sack style out of macy's. fail.

and this is what i fear........that i've waited. that i've done the wrong thing. that it's too late for me say what i think now that i know what i have probably known all along. i should've done something. something. ANYTHING.

so the question isn't really whether or not the risk is worth it; it always is. ALWAYS. the real question it too late?

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