i'm as guilty as the rest of you fucks.

you know the saying

"truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -bob marley

well, i think that's bullshit.

why do people hurt each other? disappoint, with no regard for others? certainly they know what they are doing, by some point in their lives. perhaps we can forgive the young. they're still learning as, arguably, we all are. i should be the last one to preach about responsibility and commitment, but honestly, the more good people i meet who do shitty things to each other (and by each other, i mean me) the less i believe that it's just part of a free-spirited existence, and more about people always and only seeking to fulfill their own selfish needs.

i can't lie and say that i don't do it too......i'm as guilty as the rest of you fucks. the difference is that i recognize it. you can't hurt people who you care about. i mean, you can. but fuck you for doing such a horrible thing. why would you put people you care about through so much disappointment and pain? i admittedly need to work on this, and i wish everyone else would do the same.

so like i was saying....... bob marley said some wise things in his short life, if you care to believe them. but i think he got this one wrong. i truly honestly believe and hopehopehope and pray that there are people out there who will not hurt and destroy me. and i won't stop until i find them.

i won't. ok??

what kind of fuckery is this?

the truth is an interesting thing. it's sets you free, some say. it holds you down. it keeps you back. i'm on the fence, which is not much of a place to be when it comes to truth.

i got a tattoo when i was 19 that says "belief". people were confused by this. they questioned me, asked didn't i mean "believe"? did the artist spell it wrong? and what the fuck is that supposed to mean anyway? while the only learning experience i gained from this bullshit is not that people will tell you you're wrong when you're not, and people will not understand when, in your mind, it makes perfect sense. people will be confused by you, and rather than understand, rather than ask a question that actually merits an answer, they will tell you that you've got it wrong. getting a tattoo is a great way to find out the kind of stupid shit people will say, as if a tattoo is a like a pregnant belly, on display for the world and open for questions comments and concerns. people think that their opinion matters to you, but let me tell you; it doesn't. anyway, this is not the only lesson that i have learned since i started getting tattoos. it's an important one, but i digress........

i got the belief tattoo for one/two reasons: there are two songs that i know of with this title....one is by john mayer, the other, gavin degraw. both of these artists have essentially had every ounce of their talent raped and pillaged by the media since they started getting regular play back in the early part of the century..........shit. not the point. the song by gavin degraw is about a female, i'm assuming (whoops) who he loves in some way; his best friend, his girlfriend....whatever, it doesn't really matter. this girl came to his rescue.....she believed in him when no one else would. it is a painful realization when you find yourself in that situation, who believes in you. WHO IS THERE? sometimes no one......sometimes only yourself, and that must do. but he had some chick telling him that she believed in him; even more, she stood up for him in the face of whatever asshole was telling gavin degraw he wasn't worth shit.

whoever this woman is, gavin degraw recognized that she loved him so deeply she would put aside her bullshit....whatever it is....whatever your bullshit is........ and put her belief in him. and he wanted to shout from the rooftops how grateful he was, how supported he felt, how he now knew he could do ANYTHING....anything. because of the belief this one person put in him. it's a beautiful idea and it's a beautiful song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duE9Di-_z30

on this other side is the john mayer song. john mayer is kind of an arrogant, liberal asshole but i can put my feelings for him aside to recognize that he's kind of a musical genius.......anyway the john mayer song about belief is the dark side. everything has a dark side. there's some truth for you. the dark side of belief is how ugly people can be to one and other in the name of their belief. has an athiest ever suddenly changed his mind about the existence of a god because he saw a billboard that said you're going to hell if you're not giving the church 10% of your annual income? fuckkkkk nooooo. did a 15 year old girl ever change her mind about getting an abortion because there was a mob of angry virgins screaming in her face about how evil she was while she walked up the steps of the clinic? she probably cried for weeks and was probably emotionally scarred by the entire experience for the rest of her life. did those people change her mind about the choice she felt like she had to make? if anything, they shamed her and guilted her and made her feel so awful about her own existence that she fled.

people destroy one another with their beliefs because everyone knows their right. right? i mean, you can't hold a belief, preach it, live it, whatever the fuck you do when you say that you believe in something........you have to believe that it's true or it isn't yours to claim. the problem is that no one else can see through their whatever walls they've built up around them with their own life experiences, to recognize that there are sooooo manyyyy people in the world who believe their own beliefs just as strongly as you do yours.

so who's right? everyone? no one? christians? i, personally, don't have a fucking clue. there is factual evidence; there are things that you can point to as being true. "that bitch just left me a two dollar tip after she made me cut up her food and feed it to her my fucking self" can be witnessed and experienced by enough people that it is accepted as truth. but everything else......and there's so much more of that.....everything else.....is sooooo the opposite of black and white.

"my boyfriend wants to have a threesome or he's going to break up with me" could be looked at as truth in the appropriate situation. however, maybe if you think about it, the truth is that your boyfriend really looooooved the sex yesterday, but it's not enough for him today. or this afternoon. or tonight. so maybe the truth is that you're just not quite good enough. the truth could be that he really loves your best friend and your sister, too. the truth just might be that your boyfriend is a piece of shit. but who's to say?

i had a friend who i loved for a little while.......beyond the physical and the sex and drugs and sneaking around........i just cared about him so much that it ached sometimes to be near him. when i care about someone like this, i don't know how it happens but it's such an intense experience. i just want to be filled with them. to be near them and breathe the same air. to feel the heat rise off of their bodies. i have a bad habit of finding these people and loving them too intensely from too far of a distance. some revelation will suddenly reveal it's malicious face and my entire world will crumble......and when all is said and done the same EXACT THING is said to me each time.

i didn't even know you liked me that much.

i get angry and i cry and i move across the country, and he didn't even know that i "liked him that much?" how can this be? to me, i feel like my entire soul is oozing out of my eyeballs. that every time i speak, every time i breathe, every person within a 30 mile radius of us can feel how much i love someone when i love them. except for them? wait......nobody knows? is what i feel......that intense emotional ache of just caring about someone way tooo much......is it even true if i'm the only one who knows that it exists?

it's a problem that i have, not telling people how i feel until it is far. too. late. it's interesting because you would think that because i can pinpoint the exact location of where i go wrong everysingletime, that i would be able to fix it. the problem, however, is that i must be insane. you know......insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? that kind of insane. i don't know how to fix it because i don't even realize that i'm doing it. i am convinced, it is the TRUTH in my mind that how i feel must be so blatantly obvious to everyone that i shouldn't have to tell anyone how i feel. the problem is that people cannot read my mind. i used to be such a disaster of a human being (even more than i am now! i'm serious. it's scary but it happened...) that at some point i looked at myself in the mirror (maybe, or maybe i'm exaggerating) and told myself to get with the fucking program.

the last time i threw myself at someone, i remember it so clearly it still makes me nauseous thinking about it. i was so distraught that this boy new that i loveddddd him, and he was telling all his friends and when things started to go bad EVERYONE KNEW. everyone. i hate that feeling that anyone knows, but every one knows. everyone knew. so i decided in that moment that i was going to have to be a different person. i could no longer care about anyone, i could no longer give a fuck about anyone or anything because being that attached just makes it hurt so much more when it's gone.

so i went back to school for my senior year of college with that i don't give a fuck attitude and......it worked. it sort of worked. people knew who i was. people i didn't know talked about me like they had any business in mahhh business. i felt like a celebrity. the mind is a powerful thing, and if your mind is telling people to fuck off and leave you the hell alone, most people are going to do it. except the exact opposite. people didn't approach me. i had a small group of friends that i actually considered friends. that i trusted (mistakes). everyone else was just a party. the less information you give people, the more they want to know.

i learned these things, i took them to heart i studied them and practiced them and watched the other people who i looked at and wondered about......what made these people so different from everyone else? maybe it's the tattoos or the piercings or weird hairstyles.....but maybe not. because there's plenty of people who do those things and nobody really gives a fuck. i'm talking about the people who get stared at as they walk down the street of their neighborhood. who get run into at grocery stores because people are literally STARING at them. what is it about these people? i am convinced it's all a mind game......it's an ATTITUDE. ok?

if your belief is, not that you're better or smarter or prettier than everyone else in the whole entire world......that's not it at all. but just that you're better than their petty bullshit. and you know better than to just believe anyone who tries to tell you anything. if you know that being beautiful is a trick......that's the people i'm talking about. they don't give a FUCK what you think, and yet you still try to tell them. sheep want to make those people a part of their world. they want to make sense of those people because they are senseless.

anyway, that was my truth. that i didn't give a fuck about nothing or nobody, i was just going to do my shit and fuck everything and everyone. and for a while, it was so awesome. but the problem was that as much as i didn't care what anyone thought of anything that i did. ever. there was always someone who i cared about. i would find people to love because i just needed to love. my heart literally feels like it will burst completely out of my chest cavity and make a huge fucking mess because there are just some people i can't help but love. and those were the people i couldn't not give a fuck about. but i tried to anyway. i pretended i didn't.

and the fucked up thing is, that seemed to work. guys love a girl who doesn't care. it's a fun game, and i get it. i am excellent at that game for a while, but the problem is that eventually i always lose. i lose interest, fast, in most people. usually before i even really gain interest in the first place. in which case i just drop all contact with said parties until i just don't have to deal with the situation anymore. sometimes i worry that i hurt people's feelings but the problem is that most of the time i don't really worry much at all.

i have one friend who i would like not to matter anymore. usually i'm pretty good at this part; just cutting them out of my life until i can get over how much i care about them and just be a regular friend. i'm good at that too. getting over shit. but if it's so easy to just let those feelings go.......were they even real? if he cared, maybe, but met someone else who helped him get over those feelings so easily, where THEY even real? what the fuck are we even talking about when we say that we have feelings for someone? is it only truth in context or is there really something to be said when a person finds "the one"? is it truth, or just another distraction? another excuse for..........whatever the fuck we're doing around here.

so call it karma, but the people who actually matter to me, matter. a lot. and when i don't matter as much to them as they do to me.......it absolutely fucking crushes me.

so what's the truth, then? do i, in fact, give a fuck? have i been pretending to be this hard person for so long that i've forgotten what's even real? or am i going to have to go through the rest of the my life being wary of every person i befriend, for fear that they will crush my soul?

impending

you have to put yourself out there. YOU HAVE TO! otherwise what reason do i have to believe that you ever ever will..........

i may have found out recently that one of my very good friends has more feelings about the feelings of our friendship situation than i have been willing to..........accept. i can't say i didn't know, although that's absolutely what i'm claiming to alllllll of my other friends trying to get themselves in the middle of this hot mess..... i wasn't willing to accept it because i think i feared impending danger. i still do. i always do.

the question is, is it worth it? is the fear of the unknown, of a lost relationship with a friend, and not just that friend but the entire social network that connects you.......is it worth the risk? sometimes, i suppose it absolutely is. i've heard those happily ever after stories. i know they exist. but this kind of relationship is already equipped with the added pressure of everyone else expecting magical things to come of a union that is.....or may seem to be.....so "meant to be."

so i denied it. and i said things to drive the point home that if this was in fact what i suspected it might be, it wasn't something i was aware of.......or interested in? but now i fear i've done the wrong thing. you don't realize what you have until it's gone.......or until somebody else gets it. like a fabulous dress for prom that you see in the store window, but decide to wait on......to give it some time to think it over. next thing you know, some bitch from your 8th period english class has her boyfriend hauling that shit potato-sack style out of macy's. fail.

and this is what i fear........that i've waited. that i've done the wrong thing. that it's too late for me say what i think now that i know what i have probably known all along. i should've done something. something. ANYTHING.

so the question isn't really whether or not the risk is worth it; it always is. ALWAYS. the real question is........is it too late?

we call truth.

the older i get the more i realize that i am my father's child. my mother has always told me this; i have his attitude, his biting sarcasm.....even the cleft in his chin.

last week my parents went to visit my dad's family in north carolina. we don't see much of them because my dad doesn't really get along with his brothers and sisters, and both of his parents have passed. however, i've spent the majority of my life believing that it was everyone else's fault that i didn't know an entire half of my family. not because i believed everything that my father said, or that he was the most upright and truthful man i have ever known - believe me, he is not. but it's the only perspective i've ever known, and i never really bothered to find out more.

it wasn't until the past year when i've begun to physically and emotionally and spiritually feel myself growing into an adult, that i've been so curious as to what my patriarchs are all about. so......back to north carolina. our entire family was invited to the wedding of one of my dad's cousins, who i have never met and my mother has never met and my dad hasn't seen since his childhood.......my parents were the only ones to attend, and i'm so disappointed in myself for not taking the opportunity.

the stories my mother told me about the interactions and conversations she and my father had with his family almost made me weep. i am them, i thought finally. this is where i come from; this is where i belong. i consider myself to "have a brain" as my close friends and i call it. untrusting of the media, disillusioned by the government, unbelieving of the so-called "american dream". we are out of patience with the majority of the world, who follow popular culture like sheep, and have no free-thinking cell in their body. it's terrifying, and when it's time that the revolution time finally arrives, there is going to be a very, VERY small majority of people who will be physically, emotionally, and spiritually prepared to fend for themselves. what some call a conspiracy theorist, or just plain cooky off my fucking rocker, i call truth. we call truth.

so it came as less of a surprise and more of a revelation when my parents came back from their weekend in north carolina, telling me tales of my cooky "conspiracy theorist" cousins...... they're pretty crazy, is what my mother told me. they are mine, is what i told myself. it's like knowing your whole life that you are adopted, and finally meeting a part of your birth family for the first time. i felt refreshed; invigorated. like what i believed and the path that i was on was not by mistake - this was, in fact, who i was born to be and my very own father had pried me and my family as far away from those "nuts" as he could. but he couldn't hide them from us forever. and not that i know.............oh, just like every other piece of knowledge one acquires........once you know the truth, how do you ever live your life the same way again? you can't.......that's the answer. you cannot go on any other way. you have to speak the truth......you have to SPEAK UP. even if your voice shakes. even if no one wants to hear it........you must speak. no one will hear your silence. ignorance is poison.

lucid.

the one and only night i've let someone sleep in my bed since i started this new life of mine, i think that i had my first lucid dream. and by first, i really just mean first that i remember because i know the feeling was all too familiar........

i was sleeping on the edge of my bed and i kept rolling over. even though i didn't feel like i was falling, i would start awake to the feeling of him grabbing me, so as not to fall out of my bed. every time i would over at him, he would be wide awake with a crazy/terrified look in his eyes at the thought of me falling.

this happened maybe three times and on the last time i didn't look at him, just asked him why he kept waking me up. he said to me, "i just want to either of to fall hard and get hurt." that's when i knew it was a dream and i slept soundly the rest of the night.

ladies and gentlemen

‎"If more females would sit down & be ladies, more males would stand up & be gentleman."

writesomething

go after her. fuck, dont sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because thats what you should do if you love someone, dont wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, dont let people happen to you, dont let me happen to you, or her, shes not a fucking television show or tornado. there are people i might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at 4 in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and i always thought id be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on 4 days notice because you cant just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyones idea of love but it is the way i can recognize it because that is what i do. go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.