ladies and gentlemen

‎"If more females would sit down & be ladies, more males would stand up & be gentleman."

writesomething

go after her. fuck, dont sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because thats what you should do if you love someone, dont wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, dont let people happen to you, dont let me happen to you, or her, shes not a fucking television show or tornado. there are people i might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at 4 in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and i always thought id be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on 4 days notice because you cant just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyones idea of love but it is the way i can recognize it because that is what i do. go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

destiny.

learning when you've learned all you were meant to take away from a situation is a piece of wisdom the universe imparts on us. it could be a week or a month or nearly a year, but you'll wake up one morning and realize that the place that you are is no longer the place you are supposed to be. it's time to move on. and it could be down the street or across town; to another state or a different country. whatever lesson the universe has next for you... it's time to take that step. it's time to make that move. when it's time, you will know. but only if you're paying attention. only if you have attuned yourself to the journey. otherwise you could miss it. and then you become too comfortable to learn... life begins to feel stale, to taste sour. and what a shame to resent the life you are living because you were too busy thinking about what you thought you had to do, what you thought you were supposed to do, rather than flipping the coin and going with your gut, no matter where it lands.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”

death of me.

i can buy you time while you try and pretend that your problems don't exist. i'm the perfect shiny new play thing to keep you entertained just long enough to forget about what's really on your mind. i can smile and make you laugh and for a moment you may even believe that it was me you have been looking for all along.

but she'll send you a text, you know. something real generic at first. "can you pick up the dog?" you know. your child. and you can pretend that you're not fooled into thinking it's really all about the dog, or whatever. but now you're thinking about her. again. i can see the panic you try to push back behind your eyes. the impending implosion of all things beautiful for all your shit that's so painfully real. it's ugly and it's foul but it's all you've ever known and my kind words, my understanding... the smell of my shampoo, my tattoos... are all so foreign. so uncertain. i am but a mystery, always, never getting close enough; never staying far enough away. and so you go back, fall back into what's easiest for you; what you've known for so long to be the only thing to ever be true and constant in your life. because your afraid.

and trust me, i understand fear. but you are weak and i am tired. it is exhausting to live with the notion...the theory, as it has yet to be proven wrong, that all you will ever be is a distraction. a resting place. something you "needed". and thank you. what if the only purpose of your life is to be - ONLY - for the purpose of others. i will grow old, and alone, and all those who have known me will speak kindly about my genuine sympathy for others. how much i could care and how hard i could love.

just once, i would like to be loved. violently.

decadent lifestyle

no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. if we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power.

pj orourke

if the words life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness don't include the right to experiment with your own consciousness, then the declaration of independence isn't worth the hemp it was written on.

terence mackenna

different times.

there it was right in front of me. the reason i didn't make an effort whatsoever to make friends when i moved. i purposefully, without even knowing it, subconsciously, left all of the bullshit and horrible people behind me to set out on a new quest. and i wouldn't let anyone in. i vowed to myself to stay away from anyone or anything that would hurt me. that would make me feel....anything. all i wanted was a simple life where i could work and dance and laugh sometimes and hang out with some people. sometimes. when i was feeling really ready. but the truth is that i'm not antisocial. just smarter. with experience i've learned how shitty people can be. how no one can be trusted because everyone is looking out for themselves. ONLY looking out for themselves and their best interests. and hell, i had done my share of fucking people over too. but once it happened to me... i knew how it felt. the nauseating, stomach crushing feeling of being disappointed. and so i kept to myself and let so few people in i was practically a hermit. but i had a feeling. an inkling. i'll just give it a try. just see what happens. that's what one of the few friends i still had left had told me, one of the few people i still trusted in my life had told me. just see what happens. and so i had. and i thought, shit... maybe things really could be different. but let me tell you something. they can't.

people are going to hurt each other. mercilessly. with no reason for any of it. i refuse to believe that i'm the only person left on earth who shows any compassion for others. i refuse. so i tried to give one person the benefit of the doubt. jesus... in 8 months the first person i decided could possibly not fuck up my world. again. but deep down i knew. I KNEW. but i put the voices out of my head cautioning to be careful. not to do it. that they'll hurt you too just like almost every other person in your life had ever done. but i refuse to believe that there won't be one other person out there who isn't going treat me like a rental car like other guys (gavin degraw reference there. look that shit up.) fuck you for not being that person but even though i'm disappointed in people still. i'm still wrong. i have to hope that i can't be wrong forever because god... if that isn't just the most depressing thought in the world. that no one will ever not hurt you. disappoint you. there's nothing left to live for. no hope. and without hope there's nothing. so that fucking hope is all i've got.

i know a lady wouldn't say suck my dick. but i've never been much of a lady. i've never been so good at following everyone else's rules. it's like playing football on a basketball court, when everyone else knows the rules except for you. like they forgot to tell you which game they were playing, so they just went on around you, letting you think you knew until you went in for a layup and got tackled by the entire defensive line. and fuck...how do you put up a fight when you don't even know what's coming?

winter months

and when i looked at her just then, it was the most vulnerable i had ever seen her. her big shiny eyes, usually filled with a sparkle. a spark. a something. they were just sad. like a puppy. and she had lost so much weight in the last 3 1/2 days that they protruded like a little lost puppy. like her big puffy lips. and when she inhaled a puff of her marlboro smooth, i could see her ribs stick out the back of her baggy tank top. had she gotten more sun, maybe they wouldn't have been more noticeable. but it had only just begun to get warm after the long winter months, and her frail thin body looked more like a corpse than a supermodel or a ballet dancer or whatever she claimed to be that day. whatever the boys compared her to when they sat around their bowls and video games at night, talking about how hot she was. how mysterious. how they couldn't understand why no one had "gone for it" yet. because they were all too intimated. and then, later, like now, how bad they felt that she had gotten so fucked up. so played. she deserved better than that. they all knew it, even if they barely knew her. she was too cool. too good. so certainly, something must be wrong with her. but no one had figured it out yet. not quite yet.